I am in conflict right now. I don’t know what is real, and what is an illusion, and I don’t know what to do or how to proceed because of it.
What if I follow the illusion? The illusion is, after all, a lot more pleasant than the reality. If I want for the illusion to be real, will it be real, or will it still be an illusion? What is reality– is it stark and objective, or is it what we want it to be?
What if what I think is the reality is actually the illusion? Then I will have chosen wrong. The only thing that I am certain of right now is that ignorance is NOT always bliss, and in fact, can kill you. Although it appears to others that I am strong and making the best of the situation, the mess as it is, the reality is that is merely an illusion. The reality is that I am filled with a great sense of despair and despondency. The worst part of this reality is that I must deal with this mess alone; there is no one who can help me. I must admit, that does contribute greatly to my despair.
The one thing that I thought I could count on failed me, utterly betrayed my trust, manipulating me and stealing me for narcissistic purposes. The betrayal was so thorough it is overwhelming me; it makes it even worse when it is someone who is close to you, one of your family. I am now but a shell of the man I once was. My senses are numb; I have stopped caring. Why care if you are going to get hurt?
It’s bad enough being betrayed at work; it’s indescribably painful to be betrayed by family. My rock turned out to be quicksand; instead of holding me up, it sucked me under. Of course, the whole time I was being sucked under I was under the illusion that I was standing on a rock of granite. I guess I should have been looking under the ground instead of having my head in the clouds. Foolish me.
Of course, I am to blame for my situation. I had opportunities to see the reality, but I always chose the illusion, instead, hoping that if I wished hard enough, the illusion would become the reality. It didn’t.
Will I ever trust again? I don’t know if I can. I am doomed to spend the rest of my life keeping everything and everyone at arms length and constantly looking over my shoulder to make sure that no one has stuck a steel blade between my shoulder blades.
