A corny joke from The Tulsan.
Two male employees walk into the break room for coffee refills. Bob is carrying a coffee mug with “World’s Best Dad” written on it. Tom is also carrying the same sort of mug, “World’s Best Dad”.
Tom looks angrily at Bob and says, “you callin’ my kid a liar?”
Believe it or not, a “World’s Best Dad” shirt was the basis for an entire, hilarious episode of “Seinfeld”!
I received this one from The Tulsan.
A wise man once said~
‘Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.
If you give her sperm, she’ll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she’ll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she’ll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she’ll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of sh**!’
For those of you who are all in favor of Obamacare and the government being involved in every aspect of our lives, here is a message from the American Civil Liberties Union…
From The Tulsan.
Two ladies talking in heaven:
1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I’m Kelly. How’d you die?
1st woman: I Froze to Death.
2nd woman: How Horrible!
1st woman: It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked
everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer—we’d both still be alive!
One from Grasshopper via Dinky…..
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
“You know what?” says the 6-year old. ”I think it’s about time we started cussing.”
The 4-year old nods his head in approval. The 6-year old continues, “When we go downstairs for breakfast, I’m gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass.”
The 4-year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 -ear old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, “Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I’ll have some Cheerios.”
(WHACK) He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room. “You can stay there until I let you out!”
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year old and asks, “what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?”
“ I don’t know,” he blubbers, “but you can bet your fat ass it won’t be Cheerios!”
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Confucius Says: *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who run in Front of car get tired. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who run behind Car get exhausted. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man with one Chopstick go hungry. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who scratch butt Should not bite fingernails. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who eat many Prunes get good run for money. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Baseball is wrong: Man with four balls cannot walk. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* War does not Determine who is right, war determine who is Left. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Wife who put Husband in doghouse soon find him in Cathouse. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who fight with Wife all day get no piece at night. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* It take many nails To build crib, but one screw to fill it. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who drive like Hell, bound to get there.. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who live in Glass house should change clothes in Basement. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who fish in Other man’s well often catch crabs. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Crowded elevator Smell different to midget. |
(I scored an 18…)
This is NOT a pushover test. There are 20 questions. Average score is 12. It will help if you are over 60! This one will be difficult for the younger set. Have fun, but no peeking! When you forward this to your friends/family, put your score in the subject line & let them know your score. Don’t forget to forward it to me, as well. Good luck youngsters.
1. What builds strong bodies 12 ways?
A. Flintstones vitamins
B. The Buttmaster
C. Spaghetti
D. Wonder Bread
E. Orange Juice
F. Milk
G. Cod Liver Oil
2. Before he was Muhammed Ali, he was…
A. Sugar Ray Robinson
B. Roy Orbison
C. Gene Autry
D. Rudolph Valentino
E. Fabian
F. Mickey Mantle
G. Cassius Clay
3. Pogo, the comic strip character said, ‘We have met the enemy and..
A. It’s you
B. He is us
C. It’s the Grinch
D. He wasn’t home
E. He’s really mean
F. We quit
G. He surrendered
4. Good night David.A. Good night Chet
B. Sleep well
C. Good night Irene
D. Good night Gracie
E. See you later alligator
F. Until tomorrow
G. Good night Steve
5. You’ll wonder where the yellow went…
A. When you use Tide
B. When you lose your crayons
C. When you clean your tub
D. If you paint the room blue
E. If you buy a soft water tank
F. When you use Lady Clairol
G. When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent
6. Before he was the Skipper’s Little Buddy, Bob Denver was Dobie’s friend…
A. Stuart Whitman
B. Randolph Scott
C. Steve Reeves
D. Maynard G Krebbs
E. Corky B. Dork
F. Dave the Whale
G. Zippy Zoo
7. Liar, liar.
A. You’re a liar
B. Your nose is growing
C. Pants on fire
D. Join the choir
E. Jump up higher
F. On the wire
G. I’m telling Mom
8. Meanwhile, back in Metropolis, Superman fights a never ending battle for truth, justice and…
A. Wheaties
B. Lois Lane
C. TV ratings
D. World peace
E. Red tights
F. The American way
G. News headlines
9. Hey kids! What time is it?
A. It’s time for Yogi Bear
B. It’s time to do your homework
C. It’s Howdy Doody Time
D. It’s Time for Romper Room
E. It’s bedtime
F. The Mighty Mouse Hour
G. Scoopy Doo Time
10. Lions and tigers and bears…
A. Yikes
B. Oh no
C. Gee whiz
D. I’m scared
E. Oh my
F. Help! Help!
G.. Let’s run
11. Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone…
A. Over 40
B. Wearing a uniform
C. Carrying a briefcase
D. Over 30
E. You don’t know
F. Who says, ‘Trust me’
G . Who eats tofu
12. NFL quarterback who appeared in a television commercial wearing women’s stockings…
A. Troy Aikman
B. Kenny Stabler
C. Joe Namath
D. Roger Stauback
E. Joe Montana
F. Steve Young
G. John Elway
13. Brylcream..
A. Smear it on
B. You’ll smell great
C. Tame that cowlick
D. Grease ball heaven
E. It’s a dream
F. We’re your team
G. A little dab’ll do ya
14. I found my thrill…
A. In Blueberry muffins
B. With my man, Bill
C. Down at the mill
D. Over the windowsill
E. With thyme and dill
F. Too late to enjoy
G. On Blueberry Hill
15. Before Robin Williams, Peter Pan was played by…
A. Clark Gable
B. Mary Martin
C. Doris Day
D. Errol Flynn
E. Sally Fields
F. Jim Carey
G. Jay Leno
16. Name the Beatles…
A. John, Steve, George, Ringo
B. John, Paul, George, Roscoe
C. John, Paul, Stacey, Ringo
D. Jay, Paul, George, Ringo
E. Lewis, Peter, George, Ringo
F. Jason, Betty, Skipper, Hazel
G. John, Paul, George, Ringo
17. I wonder, wonder, who..
A. Who ate the leftovers?
B. Who did the laundry?
C. Was it you?
D. Who wrote the book of love?
E. Who I am?
F. Passed the test?
G. Knocked on the door?
18. I’m strong to the finish…
A. Cause I eats my broccoli
B. Cause I eats me spinach
C. Cause I lift weights
D. Cause I’m the hero
E. And don’t you forget it
F. Cause Olive Oyl loves me
G. To outlast Bruto
19.. When it’s least expected, you’re elected, you’re the star today…
A. Smile, you’re on Candid Camera
B. Smile, you’re on Star Search
C. Smile, you won the lottery
D. Smile, we’re watching you
E. Smile, the world sees you
F. Smile, you’re a hit
G. Smile, you’re on TV
20. What do M & M’s do?
A. Make your tummy happy
B. Melt in your mouth, not in your pocket
C. Make you fat
D. Melt your heart
E. Make you popular
F. Melt in your mouth, not in your hand
G. Come in colors
Below are the right answers:
1. D – Wonder Bread
2. G – Cassius Clay
3. B – He Is Us
4. A – Good night, Chet
5. G – When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent
6. D – Maynard G. Krebbs
7. C – Pants On Fire
8. F – The American Way
9. C – It’s Howdy Doody Time
10. E – Oh My
11. D – Over 30
12. C – Joe Namath
13. G – A little dab’ll do ya
14. G – On Blueberry Hill
15. B – Mary Martin
16. G – John, Paul, George, Ringo
17. D – Who wrote the book of Love
18. B – Cause I eats me spinach
19. A – Smile, you’re on Candid Camera
20. F – Melt In Your Mouth Not In Your Hand
More from the e-mail cleaning. Some really interesting bridges. Whether a result of engineering or imagineering, I can’t say…..
It is my firm belief that, as a parent, my kids’ needs should come before my own. I have never thought it right to ask my kids to sacrifice if I am not willing to do so, too. Take lunches, for instance. For all five of my kids to eat a school lunch is a cool $53.75 a week. If I were to eat out every day, that would be in the neighborhood of $50. So, adding that all together, that’s about $100 a week – for lunches. That’s quite a chunk of change!
Once upon a time, The Mistress would pay for the kids lunches, but not any more. So, I pay for the elementary school kids to have a school lunch, and the older kids pack a lunch. Since I cannot justify spending $50 a week on feeding my own face while my kids pack a lunch, I pack my lunch (and have for pretty much my entire five-year career at the City). I have it down to a science, as every day my lunch consists of five items – a sandwich or leftovers, a can of soda, a bag of popcorn, a snack case, and a piece of fruit. I always make sure I buy enough groceries to cover a week’s worth of lunches, and I diligently guard my lunch items, because I get cranky and irritable when I go to pack a lunch and one of the other members of the household has eaten up one my lunch items. I have secret stashes of popcorn, and drinking one of my emergency RC Cola’s is a crime punishable by… well, let’s not even think about that, it’s just too heinous!
Sunshine knows that I am very particular when it comes to my five lunch items. When I was popping my popcorn, she asked if it was okay if she popped a bag of popcorn. How did she know that at the exact instant that she was inquiring about the availability of popcorn that I was popping my daily allocation? Hmm….. Makes one wonder……
Moved By Meat Loaf
Thursday, October 29th, 2009Number 1 and I went to Number 2′s fall choir concert last week. As we sat up in the balcony, watching the various choirs performed, we noticed that the all of the boys in the co-ed choir looked like doofuses, with the exception of one boy – a friend of Number 2′s who looks like Meat Loaf. When we met up with Number 2 after the performance, she was with a couple of her female friends, and we relayed our observation, which was greeted with disgust by her friends.
“You think he looks like meatloaf? That’s not nice!”
“Not meatloaf the food. Meat Loaf the singer.”
“Oh. Who’s that?”
Sunday, in need of help moving Sunshine’s heavy furniture from her apartment to the house, Number 2 recruited her friend. When I told him of my observation from the concert, he beamed proudly. As a singer, he knew who I was referring to, and was proud of the comparison. Really, if you’ve ever listened to “Bat Out Of Hell”, you’d understand that to be compared to the talented Meat Loaf is a compliment.
We arrived at the house, and the first order of business was to unload some heavy dressers from the trailer and carry some heavy dressers up the half-flight of stairs into the house and then up the full-flight of stairs to the bedrooms. Number 2 cautioned Meat Loaf that the dressers were heavy and would require two people, and then Meat Loaf proceeded to lift a dresser by himself! Holy crap! Meat Loaf not only can sing, but is built like an ox!
With the much appreciated help of Meat Loaf (and later on, his brother and another friend), Sunshine and I were able to successfully transport all of her big and heavy furniture from her place to the house without either one of us having to suffer back strain!
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