"THE FINE PRINT", by Michael Schrader

"THE FINE PRINT", by Michael Schrader
THUMBS UP TO . . .

(Written under the pseudonym "George Steinkrueger". Published 30 October 1996 in the Neighborhood Journal. Posted in toto with Preface and Epilogue 7 January 2002.)
PREFACE -- I consider this to be one of the worst and laziest columns I have ever written. I rank it down at the bottom three. By this time, I no longer had my heart in my column. My knee hurt; Mrs. Schrader’s knee hurt. Mobility for both of us was problematic. We were fast approaching another holiday season, which tends to dampen my spirits and make me even more cranky.

A quick Arkansas political primer here--

Messrs. Dole, Dupwe, Cummins, Rockefeller, Hutchinson, Dickey, and Hutchinson are Republicans. Mr. Clinton, Mr. Berry, Mr. Snyder, Ms. Chaffin, Mr. Bryant, Mr. Tolliver, and Ms. Henry are Democrats.

As this is the last week before the election, I want to take this opportunity to play Siskel and Ebert, but instead of reviewing movies, I will review politicians for some of the major offices.

PRESIDENT--

Bill Clinton. Thumbs up to the incumbent. Yes, the man has had his share of problems. It takes a great deal of fortitude to confront them, which he has. Also, if Hillary is as bad as the media represents her, then Bill should be canonized a saint for living with her all of these years. The man also deserves credit for working through the crises in his marriage and staying married. (This cannot be said for either Bob Dole or Newtie.)

Bob Dole. Thumbs down. Lacks any kind of charisma, and comes across as gruff and hard. Seems to lack both common sense and vision. May even lack a brain. After all, can the man really believe that a tax cut is a panacea?

Ross Perot. In some remote parts of French Arcadia, the word "perot" means "cuckoo." (Then again, it probably doesn't, but it should.)

Prediction--four more years

1ST CONGRESSIONAL DISTRICT--Thumbs down to Warren Dupwe. Supports the "Contract On America." Enough said.

Thumbs up to Marion Berry. Does not support the "Contract On America"

Prediction--district stays Democratic in a tight one.

2nd CONGRESSIONAL DISTRICT--

Bud Cummins. Big, big thumbs down. Repugnant and that's his good trait. After all, Bud has tried to fan homophobia in the district with his accusations that Sen. Snyder is catering to the homosexual lobby.

Vic Snyder. Thumbs up. Progressive and not afraid to take a stand. Concerned about pubic health. Humble and down to earth.

Prediction--A Snyder landslide

LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR--

Win Rockefeller. Thumbs up. Has name recognition and a family known for generosity.

Charlie Cole Chaffin. Thumbs down. Has name recognition, but lacks charisma.

Prediction. Not even close. Arkansas will have a Republican governor and lieutenant governor.

U.S. SENATE--

Tim Hutchinson. Went from thumbs up to thumbs down by insulting the intelligence of the electorate with his "Vote for me because my Dad voted for JFK" commercial. Does he really think we're that stupid?

Winston Bryant. No thumb. Bland and colorless, and is shameless enough to send out his wife in short shorts to stand on a busy Little Rock street

corner in the rain.

Prediction. Democrats retain seat in a "hold your nose" election.

My predictions for the remaining races:

Jay Dickey will be re-elected by a wide margin over Vincent Tolliver. Either Tolliver is a genius egomaniac or really dumb for insulting the Democratic Party.

The race between Asa Hutchinson and Ann Henry is too close too call. She is rapidly closing in , but time is against her. She probably will not make it, and one of the Hutchinsons will be off to Congress.

The results? Stay tuned.

EPILOGUE -- So how good were my predictions? The only one I missed was the United States Senatorial race. I think I should point out, too, that despite the perception by some that I am a left-leaning Democrat, I calls them as I sees them. I am a realist, and quite frankly, will not blindly predict a party sweep when I can plainly see that a candidate is a clunker. Stay tuned-- you will see this independence rear its ugly head in future columns, most notably my call for a certain President to save the county from humiliation. Speaking of humiliation, I have always wondered if Mrs. Bryant felt humiliated standing on a Little Rock street corner in short shorts. (In her defense, I must admit she was, at that time, a very attractive woman.) Finally, isn’t it interesting how history repeats itself? My comments about Bob Dole could just as easily apply to the current squatter in the White House. And yes, apparently Arkansas voters are that stupid, as Tim Hutchinson was indeed elected to the United States Senate.

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