“The Fine Print”, by M.H. Schrader
The Name Game
One of the games that I sometimes like to
play with the girls is what I call “the name game”, which basically is a game
of corrupting names of things; in other words, being silly.
Sometimes it takes just being silly to
really think about how things got their names.
The other day, we were eating at IHOP.
Daughter Jacqueline asked me what syrups they had. I read off the different flavors, one of
which was “boysenberry.” Out of the
blue, Jacqueline, being silly, asked why there was no “girlsenberry.” It just isn’t right to have a berry for boys
and not for girls.
I had never really thought about it until
that precise moment. Why is there not a
“girlsenberry?” Is it some gender
related plot? That’s it, isn’t it? It was a malicious and deliberate attempt by men everywhere to
relegate women to second-class status by not naming a berry after girls. Feminists of the world, unite!
Once I got smacked with the revelation
that there is, indeed, not a “girlsenberry”, it got me to thinking, which, of
course, is quite dangerous. What would
happen, for example, if you asked your pharmacists for a “histamine”? After all, “anti-histamine” sounds so
negative.
When they decaffeinate coffee, what do
they do with all of that caffeine? Is
it put into big yellow drums and dumped onto to side of the road, only to leak
into the local water supply, creating a whole town full of hyperactive children
who are then placed on mind altering substances to counter the mind altering
substances? Is there anyway they could
inject caffeinated coffee with the extra caffeine and create a “recaffeinated”
coffee that has a little extra punch?
There are those of us who do suffer from caffeine deprivation.
Is Dr. Pepper a man or a woman? Of course, if you remember the old prank,
(you know, the one where you call a grocery store and ask if they have Dr.
Pepper in a can), Dr. Pepper is a man.
(Let HIM out, my wife is having a baby.) But is that right? OR was
Dr. Pepper actually a woman? Inquiring
minds want to know.
A nonagon is an object with nine
sides. Can you tell me, then, what an
agon is? Shouldn’t Hurricane Bob
actually have been called Himmicane Bob?
I really want to know.
If I went to the local garden center,
would I be able to buy a “Johngold” or a “Maryquil”? It just doesn’t seem right that Mary should get all the golds and
John should get all the quils. Perhaps
I really don’t like Mary, anyhow. Why
would I want her golds? And I really
don’t think it fair that Rose should get a bush, and Tom shouldn’t. I really wanted a Tom bush, you know.
Why did Joshua get a tree, and Jacob get
only a ladder? If I went to the
hardware store, could I buy Jacob’s ladder?
Is it wood, or metal? How tall
it is?
If I believe in the Greek gods instead of
the Judeo-Christian tradition, then couldn’t Samsonite be considered a
violation of my First Amendments Rights?
After all, shouldn’t there also be a Herculesite, too? So many questions, so little mind...
If I wanted to go to Big Rock, could you
tell me how to get there? How about Old
York? Dryington?
What is Miss Issippi’s first name? Does Ken Tucky have any siblings? Are there any Abamas besides Al? Is Lou Isiana his cousin?
How did the Inois get Ill, and what is an
Inois, anyway? Is Delaware a household
product invented by someone named Dela?
When you introduce yourself as “I, Owa”, what does that mean? What kind of Soda is Minnie Soda, anyway?
Who would have thought that names could
be so much fun?