“The Fine Print”, by M.H. Schrader
Multi-Tasking for Fathers
Brother Stephen was pretty excited when I
told him a couple of months ago that I had e-mail. He pointed out that I was the first of the Schraders (and there
are many, many of us) to have personal e-mail, and now he would have someone to
send e-mail to. And brother Stephen was
true to his word--when I checked my messages on Father’s Day, one was a
Father’s Day greeting from, you guessed it, brother Stephen.
If I were an executive at Hallmark, I
would be getting worried about stuff like that. After all, if everybody sent e-mail, then there would be no
reason to buy Hallmark cards. The post
office should be concerned, too. If no
one sends cards anymore, then they definitely won’t be buying stamps. They may tell you that people will buy
stamps regardless, as there are many, many stamp collectors out there. If there are, they must be living in Idaho
or something, because I have only met one---that’s right, one---person who has
ever collected stamps. Now Mrs.
Schrader will buy the fancy stamps, but she uses them as stamps--after all, a
good stamp is a terrible thing to waste.
Electronic messages are a great thing for
men. First, they take all the emotion
and sentiment out. None of that mushy
artsy stuff here, no way; just straight talk, or as the case may be, straight
text. Men have such a hard time dealing
with emotion that any removal of it is a great thing. It leaves more time for the important things in life, like
fishing or watching football.
Second, and more importantly, e-mail
reduces the need to think, which in my case is extremely critical. The more I have to think about things the
less likely they are to get done, or at least that’s what Mrs. Schrader tells
me. I am quite impulsive (and some
would say compulsive) by nature--I act on thoughts when I have them. Why?
Well, let’s just say that I know that if I don’t I will lose that
thought forever. Sometimes, the thought
is lost while I am in the process of acting on it. Suddenly, I am in the middle of doing something and have no idea
why I am doing it. Of course, the
solution to the problem is that I must make sure that my mind is completely
empty (which, given that it is mostly empty, anyway, does not require too much
effort) so that the only thought in my brain is the one that I am supposed to
be acting on. Then, when that action is
done, that thought is discarded and a new task is programmed in my head.
It’s this multi-tasking thing that gives
me such problems with special days like Father’s Day. To send Dad a card requires several different tasks, any one of
which could go awry at any different time.
First, one must go to the store to buy a card. I will go to the store and buy everything but. Second, when at the store, one must select a
card. This is simple for Mrs. Schrader,
but not for me. Too many choices! She is in and out; I’ve been know to stand
in front of the cards for hours just trying to select a card.
The next task is remembering who, or
what, you bought the card for. Sound
simple? Well... I have had a card for the past decade that I
move from house to house. It’s a really
cute card, but I have absolutely no idea who, or what, I bought it for. And even if I did remember, I don’t know if
the intended recipient would remember.
After all, it has been ten years.
Heck, I have a had time remembering what I did 10 minutes ago!
The next step entails signing the
card. I always hope that if I wait long
enough a little elf, also known as Mrs. Schrader, will do it for me. No such luck on Father’s Day; after all my
father is MY father.
The final, and most difficult part is
actually mailing a card. It is easy to
put something in the mailbox; the hard part is remembering to put something in
the mailbox. I’ve got postage-paid mail
that I’ve been carrying around with me for the past several months, and I walk
by a mailbox several times a day! I
just don’t have the wherewithal to think about mail at the times I need to.
For this Father’s Day, Mrs. Schrader
simplified the process by going to the store and buying the card for me. All I had to do was sign it and mail
it. It sat on the table for a couple of
days before I remembered to sign it.
Where is it now, you may ask? In
my satchel, along with a host of other mail.
If I’m lucky my father may get it by Father’s Day, 1998.
As a father, there is something special
about receiving a card for Father’s Day.
Call it emotion, if you will. (I
call it being blessed by the Almighty.)
If I am any indication, I don’t think the folks at Hallmark or the Post
Office have to worry. It may require
most of my limited capacity to think, but the old way is the best way.
And I think my father should be receiving the card I bought last year any day now.