“The Fine Print”, by M.H. Schrader

Topic or Not, The Show Must Go On!

(Originally published 6 August 1997. Posted and re-published 25 January 2003.)

To many, being a columnist is glamorous. After all, you get your name in the paper every week; you get to spout off your opinions to thousands every week. A regular celebrity.

Of course, those who glamorize newspaper celebrities don’t know about the dark side.

The dark side? Hogwash you say. There isn’t any dark side, is there?

Well...let’s just say that the media is not going to criticize itself when there are others to criticize. You never hear about the dark rooms with hundreds of journalists chained to their desks cranking out syndicated columns for little pay. And not just any old column will do--there are penalties too gruesome to discuss in a family newspaper. A journalistic sweat shop, if you will.

Well, okay, maybe it’s not that bad. but, at deadline time, a newspaper office can become pretty frantic. After all, there are deadlines to meet. A former editor of mine told me one time how there were times he just wanted to publish blank sheets with the words “Not available at this time” written on them. Or, to just skip an issue completely. (“Ahh, we just didn’t feel like publishing today.”)

When I was working in circulation, I had to get down to the paper about 3 in the morning to pick up my “supply.” Some days it was quite invigorating; others, I was tempted to “skip it” and just sleep in. However I figured that if I missed my deliveries, then the writers and editors did all that work for nothing, as nobody would read it. And, if I were a copy editor who just stayed up all night only to find out that the boys in circulation did not deliver the paper, I would be pretty steamed. After all, I could have taken the night off, too.

Now suppose the boys in circulation show up, the editors show up, but the writers do not. What do you get? A bunch of nothing, that’s what.

Having been both a reporter and a columnist, I will say that a reporter’s job is a little easier. As a reporter, you are given an assignment, and you then write about it. Pretty cut and dried.

A columnist, on the other hand, also functions as an editor of sorts and must determine what to write about. Let me say that having worked at it as both an editor and a columnist, it is a whole lot easier to pick news topics than opinion topics. News is straightforward, opinions...well, they can be like garbage, rather offensive.

By now, you are asking yourself, “Why is the world is he talking about all this?” Which, is a pretty valid question to ask. Why am I talking about this? Call it writer’s block. Or better yet, columnist’s block. I can write just fine; the previous 482 words are proof of that. I just don’t really have a good topic to write about this week.

But I have obligations. To you. To the “Journal”. I must provide a column. Even when I really don’t have anything intelligent (well, okay, I never have anything intelligent) to say. Oh, the pressure!

The worst thing about not having a topic, besides the fact that I have a deadline to meet and I have to have a topic, is that when others find out, they inundate me with their topics. I’ve made that mistake before!

“I’ve got something for you to write about. Write about this and that.”

“Why would I do that? I don’t like this and that.”

“But I do!”

“Go find yourself you’re own newspaper column!”

The audacity of some to suggest I write about things that I am philosophically opposed to. Or worse, that I really could care less about. After all, I have an obligation to you, my loyal readers, to not waste space. You expect a product, and a product you shall receive. Not some cheap substitute.

No byproducts or fillers in this column, no sir. I couldn’t live with the guilt if I wasted your valuable reading time writing about absolutely nothing.

Oops! Wouldn’t you know it? I’ve run out of time for the week. And here I finally had a great topic for this week’s column, too. I was going to discuss...well, I guess it will have to wait until next week.

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