tfpj

"THE FINE PRINT"

The musings of Michael Schrader

                           THE TROUBLE WITH BLONDES
(Written and posted 28 October 2001)

       I have a thing about blondes, especially if they are female. Call it a love-hate relationship if you will. Mrs. Schrader is a blonde; little Schraders Number One and Four are blondes.
       I think part of my problem relates to the fundamental duality of blondes. It seems like every blonde is a little part Jeckyll, a little part Hyde. This duality makes it really, really hard dealing with a blonde. Are you dealing with Jeckyll or Hyde?
       Take the little Schraders, for instance. Numbers Two and Three, the two redheads, are, if nothing else, consistent. Number Two has a fiery temper, and always has the fiery temper.    Knowing of it makes you prepared and cautious. You never know when she will strike. Kind of like a rattlesnake -- you know there is always a possibility that it may strike, and that when it does, it will be lethal, and so you tend to act a bit cautiously around it.
       Number Three is LOUD!! All the time! And likes to argue -- all the time! (She does not! She does too!) Knowing that makes it a whole lot simpler to deal with her. You know that she will be loud, and she will argue, and so it is no surprise when she is and does.
       Numbers One and Four, as well as Mrs. Schrader, are unpredictable. What person will I get at any time? The tender one who thinks the world of me? Or the one who would rather be around anyone else in the world but me? Number Four, for example, will be holding my hand one minute, and screaming bloody murder because I am holding his hand the next. Number One is laughing one minute, and crying the next. Mrs. Schrader -- well, let’s just say I have had an interesting eleven years of marriage. One minute it’s “I love you”; the next it’s “Get out of my sight!”
       I really do think it has to do with the hair. I’ve noticed a similar duality in other blondes. I’ve known some blonde women, for example, who took offense if you did not respect their intelligence, and then took offense when, respecting their intelligence, you did not notice their body. They did not want to be treated as sex objects, but they did. Now tell me, how do you respond to that? Go figure.
       For some reason, female blondes have been the bane of my existence. I have lost more jobs due to a blonde woman than I care to remember. It seems that of all the female coworkers I have ever had, the blonde ones seem to have an extreme dislike of me.
       I don’t know why that is, although I have a plausible theory. I think it has to do with that “sex kitten” kind of thing. Being a married man, I have no real reason to pay any particular “notice” to a woman in a romantic or physical kind of way. After all, one wife and three daughters are more than enough estrogen in my life; I do not need any more. I think that a lack of interest is an insult to a blonde. After all, blondes are supposed to have more fun; blondes are supposed to turn a man’s head. Why don’t they turn mine? I must think that they are ugly, fat, repugnant -- name the negative description. I believe that most blonde women expect to be ogled at and hit upon by male colleagues. Since I am married with children I am obviously straight, so my lack of interest must be because they are flawed -- which, of course, makes me a first class jerk. One that must be eliminated. And I have been. Several times.
       I find the whole thing frustrating. If I act like a typical man and leer and ogle, I get in trouble for not “respecting the mind.” On the other hand, if I respect the mind, I get in trouble for not leering and ogling.
       I don’t know if this duality is a genetic or a sociological creation. In other words, do only natural blondes have this characteristic, or do those of other hair color acquire this characteristic upon changing their hair color to blonde? I really don’t have a frame of reference, being the dark and gray-haired lad that I am. Hmmm....
       You know, ever since “The Police” hit it big with their blonde gimmick (all three members dyed their hair blonde), I’ve always contemplated doing the same. You know, I might be a very attractive blonde. Then again, I’d be coveted only for my body, and not my mind. Nevermind. I guess I’ll never know.